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  • stevecowles

Why I'm not a 'Cyclist'

Updated: Jan 24, 2023

The latest changes to the Highway Code seem to have prompted an increase in the rage against 'Cyclists'. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm perfectly happy for people to get in a rage about me but I'm not happy to be called a 'cyclist' and here's why.

Let me be honest upfront though, I have several bikes and at the moment they are my default way of getting about. I have scrapped my car and not needed to buy another since (expect it will happen one day).

'Cyclists' have a number of attributes that I simply don't possess so how can I possibly be classed as one of them.

  1. Cyclists wear clothes that allow them to be confused with ballet dancers or ice skaters. I wear a hi-viz builders coat, work pants and steel boots.

  2. Cyclists wear weird shoes that they can't walk in (refer to point 1).

  3. Cyclists dress all in black so that you can't see them (refer to point 1).

  4. Cyclists wear padded shorts so that they look like they are wearing a nappy under their lycra (refer to point 1).

  5. I'll just mention 'Lycra' again (refer to point 1), I don't own any and never will.

  6. Cyclists ride in groups, I ride alone

  7. Cyclists ride only for fun, they secretly own a car to go shopping or to work. I go everywhere by bike

  8. Cyclists go out for a ride once or twice a week and make a big fuss about it, for me it is just a handy form of transport.

  9. Cyclists have racing handlebars and look only at the floor, I look where I'm going or at any pretty ladies passing by (or at food).

  10. Cyclists ignore traffic lights, I always stop at red

  11. Cyclists hang 'with their own' and talk about bike bits, they ignore me so even they don't think I'm one.

  12. Cyclists acknowledge one another with a nod when they pass, I don't and they ignore me. Let us be honest, this is the territory of bus drivers and we all know what wankers they are.

  13. Cyclists are only seen in the summer, I ride a bike at least 300 days a year.

  14. Cyclists have cameras to report drivers to the police, I don't do this as I find that the more direct approach of threats and confrontation is far more enjoyable.

  15. Cyclists look emaciated and count calories, I'm a big fat bugger who will eat anything and everything.

So, am I a cyclist? No, I'm a fat bloke who rides a bike, if you doubt this, refer to points 1 to 15 for guidance.

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